A co-worker rant...

I am, of course, a perfect co-worker. I never leave you hanging, except when I do, I'm never late, except when I am, so of course it's only natural that I'd expect the same from you.

1. Take a shower before work. I hate your scent. I hate a lot about you, but that fucking patchoulli/body odor thing is top of the heap.

2. I know you love attention and being adored. Can you stop being adored long enough to make the drinks I need? I've got a line, this lady is asking me questions about every item on the menu, and I've got no time for your May/December self-esteem boost.

3. Quit flirting with her. It's getting a bit pathetic at this point, and when she's showing you the myspace of the totally unoriginal singer/songwriter that a girl moving here from the Midwest is bound to find, looking like you might cry isn't going to help your case.

4. Don't hide tip receipts. That one should have gotten you tarred and feathered.

5. Don't suck up to James Spader to make me look bad. He's a dick.

6. Quit telling me that my favorite customer is only trying to get into my pants. I know that. It's one of the bright spots of my day, and I manage to flirt AND make coffee all at the same time. I'm a badass like that.

7. To the musicians who play...don't be so gorgeous. I have to keep my wits, and I hate musician crushes, so you're just making it worse for me. Please quit singing my favorite Ray Price songs, whilst licking your lips. I just might turn into the co-worker listed above.